As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My Plans 2020
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really