It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
quarantine day 3
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.