My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Personal question. #JustSaying
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…