[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.