[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
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Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.