Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
This checks out
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*