Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.