Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Cat.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
inside you are two wolves
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.