Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me: