Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
dam girl
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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k e
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