angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together