I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m already scared
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Happy Taco Tuesday
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”