Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”