[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Education is vital
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Where is your GOD now????
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.