I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.