A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*