My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
You are what you delete.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Bros before Ohioes
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*