So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”