KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Worth the read.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.