How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]