Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.