Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.