YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?