[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Peace was never an option
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments