Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.