ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.