They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.