the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Raisins are grape jerky.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.