“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Just so funny
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m being attacked 😭
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge