The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away