4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.