You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?