I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
we all know this pain all too well
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Okay me first
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt