“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
They’re on their honeymoon
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.