You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice