*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away