HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
damn he’s good
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.