Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree