Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.