Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.