My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
me, after any kind of buffet.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.