‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
You Might Also Like
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.