Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”