Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like