Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.