Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you