as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.