I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*