[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Woke up against my better judgment again
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave