well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
how it started vs how it ended
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?